goes down in flames
by januarylightsphere
Summary: (Nyo!Prussia-centric) She's survived another year. Is it not wonderful?


**disclaimer: **I'm going to pretend that I don't know about it.

**a/n: ****Pokermaniac039 **requested this for new year. But I'm afraid that I didn't come up to your expectation. The more I write, the worse it feels. So awkward. Perhaps it's because I haven't prepared myself to? Still, I hope you like it - or at least don't dislike it. I lost control of myself and it's no longer a drabble, so I decided to post it as a separated story.

**Notes: **Actually, I don't know if it can be considered as a proper sequel of my 22th chapter in 'Relativity', but it's connected. (I THINK - you don't need to read Relativity last chapter to understand this one, then how in the world they're CONNECTED?) This one, however, is more like a nyo!Prussia centric. Please go easy on me. (I'm going to blame my 5-essay-stress now.)

* * *

Sparks of lights burst in the air as the noise, louder than thunder, shakes the entire city. Mere powder, combined together to form the most beautiful pattern one have ever seen. Blue, green, red, yellow, orange. Such a beauty, she thinks as she holds up the cup of beer, bright agains the dark blue sky. Loud. Lively. Beautiful. And then they fade into nothingness.

Another year has passed. And she is still alive.

Isn't that wonderful?

As she drinks, Prussia has to wonder if her life is like the fireworks, how long she will able to keep up with this.

West has gone out somewhere - Feli's house, it seems - and that means she's alone drinking in this house. Not that she blames him, she needs him gone, because New Year is when she lets her mind wander, on and on about missing things.

She has forgotten something - many things - again, and she needs the first day of new year to remember them. Something about her old days as Teutonic Knight, something about Hungary, something about Austria, something about West's childhood, something about France and Spain and -

No, she hasn't forgotten anything about him. When you hate someone so much, it's hard to keep them off your mind. (Except for Fritz, because he's too precious to be forgotten, and forgetting him will kill her before her time is up.) It is some tantalizing combination of the fights and heartbreak and dying stars and hard breaths that keep her from forgetting Russia. Her hands always secretly shake at the mere remembrance of him, and Prussia doesn't like it because it's totally not awesome at all and it sets her teeth grinding. Russia always knows about some pieces of memories that even she herself can't remember, always enjoys watching her suffer.

She won't let him ruin her.

She won't.

(She knows it's an excuse, because he doesn't do anything of that sort. It's her that is ruining herself.)

Prussia throws the empty bottle of beer out to the rubbish bin and goes to sleep.

West comes home about somewhere near 3 a. m in the morning.

* * *

The next day, West goes with her to the museum. It's become a tradition between them since she really needs something to hold onto. She hears people talk about the past, the kings, the queens, the soldiers and sometimes she wants to scream at them and tear all the history books off because they know next to nothing . But she doesn't, because when she is no more than who is she to have the rights? But, there might be a different world somewhere where she is Prussia and she's still growing, right?

(It was a quiet night when Kingdom of Prussia crumbled and the German Empire rose from ashes.)

And she always stands a little longer in front of Fritz's portrait, just to say: "It seems I haven't been able to come to you yet."

West is always silent during the tour, and she is always grateful.

(She needs to hold onto the past.)

* * *

Austria's reactions are always amusing when she suddenly crashes into his house and claims the sofa as her possession. He's about to go sleeps when she comes, and Prussia bursts out laughing at his annoyed face - the usual.

Oh, the joy of a New Year.

"So..." She drawls. "Hungary isn't here to say your ass, I see."

"Of course, it's almost midnight already, no proper woman is in a man's house. Don't even start." He sends her a glare. "I know you've given up being a proper woman for a long time." - ''_oh, you're right for once.' - "_But I do hope that Germany can keep you in check. However..."

She flips the book on his desk.

"West can't never keep me in check. It's my job."

It's a beat of silence when he gives he _that _look and Prussia wills herself not to throw anything at him. Sometimes, she feels resentful. How can he remain why she doesn't? What does he know to give her pity?

(Austria is a reminder of her past. Austria is a reminder of her glorious day. Austria will prevent her from losing herself.)

"Another year has passed." He says, voice lighter and softer. "Let's do better this year."

His melody takes her nightmares away.

* * *

Beer, as far as Prussia's concerned, is a wonderful invention. It keeps her from doing something ridiculous such as taking a tomato-eating contest with Spain or stripping in front of France. But when drinking too much, the result of hangover is terrible. And naturally, she blames it on France and Spain.

But even beer can't make her stop wishing for some tragic accident will happen to West's boss, nor can it make the sight of Russia's face more likeable.

It's miracle that she hasn't screamed some angry words at his face in a downpour of hatred and rage, and she doubts if they will make any differences to him. She pushes her bang out of her eyes, and realizes her hand is shaking. Prussia almost growls in annoyance, how can she show him the struggles in her eyes if even her body betrays herself.

His goal is simple: too see her struggle. He wants to releash the beast inside her, the beast that will definitely make her ruin herself unstoppably, the beast that she's long locked inside her mind.

Her goal is simple: never let him win. She's no longer the White Beast of Prussia, there's future ahead of her, and she will not let herself be controlled by her rage.

Never.

Calm down, Prussia, don't yell at him, don't attack him, don't kill him -

"Another year has passed, hasn't it? We will celebrate on 7th January, do you want to come?"

"No."

Shit, perhaps she's said it a little too fast.

He rises an eyebrow, clearly amused.

"So straightforward." He muses. "Since you can't come, is it okay to talk to you now?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

Where is West when she needs him?

Russia doesn't seem to hear her.

"New Year is time when people recall events, don't you think? I still remember your chasing me around with your swords, such a joyful childhood..."

She slams the cup of beer on the table.

"What do you want?"

Breathe.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

She's Prussia, everything will be alright until the end.

Russia looks at her in the eyes before saying:

"Congratulate on surviving another year."

She punches him in the gut.

He replies her with a smile, and: "I hope your time will last longer." A 'it has come to an end' is left unsaid under his throat.

Prussia has thought that her hatred for Russia has reached it limits, but it seems wrong.

(Russia is also a reminder of the past, of dark times when she's seperated from West. He's the fear that she never manages to over come. He knows her so well that it gets on her nerves.

She doesn't want to forget Russia.

R-U-S-S-I-A)

* * *

She wakes up at night sweating and trembling, and remembers Russia all of sudden.

"You have reached your limit." She almost hears him saying. "Prussia, don't be stubborn."

Her hands they shake, her head it spins.

"Why don't you let they fix you?"

She doesn't need fixing.

"That's right."

_No, stop it._

"You want to go to Fritz's side, right?"

_Don't you dare -_

"You're supposed to do it when your country disappeared on the map."

_Shut up. Shut up._

"Your injury doesn't heal quickly anymore."

_Russia, stop._

"You're no longer Prussia. You're just Julchen, and what can Julchen do?"

_Please..._

"Are you alright? Schwester? Schwester?"

Someone is shaking her. The voice is so warm, so familiar, and so assuring and reminds her so much of Fritz. The voice that dragged her out of her cell long, long time ago...

Prussia opens her eyes and gives him a smile:

"Of course I am, what do you think?"

Russia's ring voice gets smaller and smaller as she watches West - her baby brother, an empire that she creates out of utterly frozen time and loneliness. He's suck a kid, doesn't even know how to take care of himself without her. No one can rest if they have so much to worry about, right?

(West is the future, West is what she's sacrificed to have now, her reason for staying.

West will not let her ruin.)

* * *

**notes: **i don't even know what I'm writing.

Schwester means 'sister' in Germany.

Happy belated New Year.


End file.
